Driving while still alive in Mexico

A few  things one learns in Mexico after driving for even a short period of time, is that there are many unwritten rules one must observe.  For those of you who have never had the beegeebers scared out of you, or have never reached for the HELP ME JESUS HANDLE, thats the one usually found over the door windows or have never had the pleasure of driving in the land of Montezuma, allow me to expand  a few.

Rule Numero Uno: When driving on any road, airport runway, pig trail, ditch, bridge, carratera, over- or under-pass, whether libre (free) or cuota (toll) there are one of two speeds one must maintain. You ask "what? pray tell!"  Yes, they are 40 and 80 ... not kilometers. No sports fans, I am talking (MPH) good old American miles per hour. These speeds are maintained no matter the weather, visibility, condition of the road, curved or straight as an arrow, whether paved, dirt, or under construction.

Rule Numero Dos: Neither the brand, condition , age, value, service records or lack their of, for any automobile has any thing remotely to do with Rule Numero Uno.  

Rule Numero Tres: Speed bumps are best hit (literally) at as high a rate of speed as one can achieve (minding the vehicle in front of you is moving out of your way). The reason for this is that more than likely your entire vehicle at this point in time is airborne (think Starcky & Hutch) so as to pass over said encumbrance with as little time spent on this device as possible. Don't worry about the suspension, undercarriage, tires, or aliment.  It will all be just fine.

Rule Numero Quatro:  Large trucks which have a great amount of difficulty maintaining the 40 MPH (see Rule Numero Uno) going up steep hills have no problemo reaching or surpassing the 80 MPH going down the other side.

RULE Numero Cinco: If there is at least one inch (or is it centimeter) of clearance on either side of one's vehicle that's plenty of room. You can all ways turn the mirrors in. "Hey, he needs a new paint job anyway."

Rule Numero Seis: Federal Policia have mental telepathy and are clairvoyant. They must be, otherwise how could they have stopped me south of San Luis Potosi for driving 120 KM in a 110 KM zone, when my cruise control was set dead on 110 KM.  P.S these guys had no radar. 875 pesos ($70 lighter) and I was on my  way.

Rule Numero Siete:   Possession is nine tenths of the law.  If you see and opening to get your car through, take it, it belongs to you. Other wise why would it be there in the first place? It's your God given right.

Rule Numero Ocho:  One way street?  Of course, I am only going one way. Why do you ask?

Remember: God only gives us a certain number of days. I plan not to waste the ones I have left .

Until we talk again.

Mike